I'm Chief Snuggler.

There's many times at the moment where I'm not entirely sure where I fit in amongst my gang. I'm mum but I feel I'm somewhat a little out of connection with that role some days. I'm one that beats themselves up daily about so many little things and I always have the 'no stop it' thoughts, until the next time. As a mum, I think the biggest fear is failing. Failing to support, encourage and bring up these little people we've brought into our lives, well. I often find myself wondering if I said the right thing or even said it in the right tone. I wonder if they're happy or we're doing enough for them to have a good childhood. And there it goes niggling.

I find myself struggling some days with the massive to do list of life. I'm a stay at home mum and that is sometimes tough as it is. With a now three month old Arthur, a two year old Noah and nearly 6 year old Freddie, it's a juggle. I will forever do the most I can through the day to ensure our everyday is as smooth as possible, but not every day its achievable. Arthur is such a cuddly baby. He'd love nothing more than to be carried around, snuggling all day long and I found that so hard. I was constantly torn between wanting to soak up these precious days yet simultaneously I was thinking about that to do list; they are both important to do my role well, yet really the to list doesn't matter at all. But it does matter to me and there is where the pressure comes on, to do more and do better.

After a meltdown a couple of weeks ago where I just had a day of outbursts (mainly crying), I told Chris and my mum all the issues and that alone made everything feel so much better. I was tired, oh so tired. I was trying to complete everything yet really not completing anything, house wise. I couldn't get anything done without letting something else suffer and that feeling really sucks. I felt like I was drowning and not doing any good, for anyone.

All that matters is that my boys are happy and we're creating some special moments all together. So I decided to buy a wrap for Arthur so that he can happily snuggle into me - and I absolutely love the closeness, despite feeling heavily pregnant again! I get on with as much housework as I can whilst Arthur naps and Noah usually has an afternoon nap with him (definitely feel like I'm winning on them days!) and I make the most of Noah's Nursery mornings. I enjoy the evenings of snuggle time so that I can catch up on things I love and hopefully have a shower before heading to bed. I've never had a moment to blog recently but I'm trying to squeeze the odd post in - life as a family of five is definitely a work in progress. It's a crazy journey, an incredibly busy one, yet I'd never change what we've got. Those boys are the spirit to my soul and that fire will never thaw out.
I worry about everything but I don't worry about that.

We've so many plans for the next year so it'll all work out in time, it's the adjusting and teaching myself that I can only do so much and that above it all as long as I'm doing my best - I'm not doing all that bad. They're silly, giggly, feisty, argumentive, cuddly, loveable lads whom make me laugh daily. So here I lay on the sofa with Frozen playing on the TV with a Noah bunched under one arm snuggling and the other hand typing. I believe my role at the moment is Chief Snuggler. One of comforting and holding. One of whispers and tight pull ins. There's not a role I'd love more.

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