My Dear 4 Year Old

I don't know how to write this. I've tried many different ways and I always end up getting stuck because I don't know how to spit out the words in the dreamy way I want to say them. I've had a couple of nights of writers block and it's incredibly infuriating because you deserve a lovely written piece from the heart. It's a night that is all about you and I'm overwhelmed with emotion; and I'm trying to figure out the question of 'how has it suddenly arrived?'.
At the start of the Summer, the first day of 'big' school seemed so far in the distance and I'm feeling a pang of guilt for all the times I said 'in a little while' with no intention of following it up - I should've said 'YES!' and the times I snapped at you over the smallest things. But mostly for the days I was stressed out and wished that bed time was sooner for not the reasonable of reasons.
And I'm sorry for that.
However I smile for all the tender moments we've shared, the flash of a cheeky grin when you're trying to make me change my mind or you just agree to something knowing it'll benefit you, or even the times you've turned round using my own phrases with such certainty.

I've compiled all your school clothes in a pile on the sofa and popped your shiny, scruff-free 7 1/2 sized shoes on the floor with your P.E bag to the side. I've got your backpack ready to hold your packed lunch and bottle of water in, all ready for tomorrow. All brand new and shiny, waiting for my 4 year old to squeal with that first day excitement as he hurriedly tried to pull up them stiff straps.
And it makes me think of all the times we snuggled, we've laughed and tickled, we've read stories, we've picked you up when you've been upset and learnt how to count and write your name. It makes me flash back to all 4 of your birthdays and how we've watched you grow with each year in more ways than we could imagine. It's reminded me of all the toilet drama, illnesses and all the disagreements we've had and you know what? It's all been leading to this point. The point to where we've unknowingly been preparing you to take a few steps alone, the point where you can stand your argument and know how to show love.

It's also been leading me to this point too where I have to let go a little, to trust you to be able to do all the little but big things in life, such as change yourself, take yourself to the toilet, to wash your hands, to say please and thank you. I know you'll do all these fantastically, but I still wonder if you'll be happy, safe and confident. Wondering if you'll like your lunch, feel confident to go to the toilet or ask if you have a problem with something. They seem silly worries as we know you, but it all  seems so huge and I hope you don't get so you feel swamped, being a tiny fish in a big pond.
It's a massive milestone for us, you're our big baby and you're on your way through the ranks of school, you're the first one to go and so it feels every bit daunting but I have such big hopes for you my dear 4 year old. I hope you know that we're thinking of you and anticipating your return.
Oh and when I blubber it also means I'm kinda happy! ;)

Binky Linky


  1. All us Mums are guilty of the in a minute, he will look back and remember fun times. It is scary how quickly the holidays go and their first day of school arrives. He will have a great time and just think of his little face coming out of school ready to tell you everything about his day x

    1. Yes, it's something I don't like about my parenting skills, I'm one to think about it moments after and regret what I snapped or said y'know? Always hope that improves!!
      He loved it and it surprisingly went so fast.. xx

  2. It's so hard to let go though isn't it! I always want to be for my children, but know I have to let go a bit more as each passes so that they become independent and learn to do things for themselves. Lovely post. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

    1. It really is, I always have to remind myself not to baby him but to be honest most of the time he acts so much older bless him!
      Thank you :) xx

  3. He will only remember the good times great post thanks for linking to the binkylinky

  4. This is so tough. I remember it well. the challenge letting go mixed with the excitement of seeing them doing new things. Being a parent has such mixed emotions. lovely post. Kirsten