It broke me.
This week has been full of what I can only call distractions. I've been so wrapped up in my whole head and family this week that I just slipped away from my blog - I keep saying I need to work harder and remember to write more but this week has been hard to focus on that when there are so many other little things that need doing.
Even right now, I'm here nearly at 9pm writing this when I should really be in the shower or packing Freddie's lunch for tomorrow *sigh* but I'll do this and then do that, because my priorities are a little out this evening.
So the above photo is a massive part of my week.
As you can imagine it's only heart breaking to hear them words being spoken from your rather dinky little guy.
Wednesday he came down in the morning all well, had breakfast and then out the blue began to sobbing as I mentioned it was a school day and we had to go get dressed.
Proper deep sobs, not the attention seeking, don't want to go tantrum blahing - the real stuff.
I couldn't understand why he was so upset over it. Every other morning he had gotten ready, albeit, very (I do emphasise on the very!) slow, and we go in hand or with Noah.
Sweeping up into a big cuddle he proceeded to say he didn't want to go to school anymore as it's too much hard work, he doesn't want to be a big boy anymore and he wants to go back to Nursery so he can come and be at home with 'Mum Mum' (it's what I'm called most of the time).
It broke me.
My eyes welled up.
Partly because in all honesty, the one thing any parent wants most is to know they're really needed and a big part of their family life. This proved that. It's not even that I didn't believe he didn't feel that way, it was because it was said and deeply felt.
I wanted to tell him he could stay at home and we'd do something like we used to do, but I knew I couldn't, because School and Nursery are two different kettles of fish and I had to do the 'right' choice in making him go. Huh!
He did seem a lot better after his outburst and he went to school, but he wasn't the same little one I fed breakfast to, or the one that climbed into bed and pushed his cold nose against mine that was warm, who then proceeded to giggle as my eyes flashed open and woken in a shock (bad feelings!).
He went into classroom less than enthusiastic, clinging onto my hand and not really wanting to place his water bottle in the box or book bag in the labelled tray. He proceeded to write his F backwards when writing his name and genuinely looked like 'sod this cr*p', after a kiss and a 'I'll see you later' he toddled off to a table and I left.
I felt incredibly sad. I didn't want to walk off and leave him there!
Luckily one of the mums noticed so we went for a walk and a chatter which distracted me for a while. Our boys are best friends and I'd class her as a good friend of mine too.
Getting home and putting Noah down for a nap, I couldn't shake that 'in the dump' feeling. It was horrible and it struck a chord with me. I know he enjoys it when he gets going, it's just exhausting for someone so small, every morning he goes with a happy smile, chatting way and comes home in either a hyper mood or damn right argumentative - all down to tiredness and it makes me sad because I haven't had a chance to enjoy the happy part for very long.
I know it'll improve soon and hopefully this next week will be a different story! The things we go through during parenting, eh?