Life Lately ● Relationship Stresses & Making more Family Time

When I started this blog, I found it really hard to come up with a name. You need a name to stand out and count for something - means something to you and your writing material.
I chose Little and Big simply because this blog was in my mind going to have every aspect of our lives written; maybe not the finer details but it was going to be true and I was going to write it so that it highlights all the little and big things we do, for the little moments that we'd definitely forget had I not wrote a post on it (and for the big events!). Well we probably couldn't forget them, but we forget the little things in them big moments - so it all gets logged one way or another. (It also went well with the Little and Big people in the Reynolds Family! Clever eh?)

So I had to find a title that suited. Little and Big was born.

I've thoroughly enjoyed my time blogging in this last year and a bit; it's been a journey and I love that I can go back to any given day and read what life was like in that moment, it makes it all come alive again and most of the time makes me a little emotional. I never consider my life being overly exciting but I'm utterly content in all that we do and have, yes we could do with a little bit more money to be able to do a little more but, it's not everything.

I've recently posted about my Brother and the horrible time we had with him nearly a month ago now and I've spoken about how it's changed my view on things and made me more aware of my sense of belonging and in all truthfulness has terrified pushed me into spending every day with some sense of purpose. I've spoken of the things that have made me more appreciative of life (in fact I typed out 35!) but I noticed something missing from that list. 

My Husband.
I didn't speak of how much I appreciate him. Why?

Because, the truth is for a few weeks we kinda lost our way.
I resented him in the fact he wasn't there for me in the way I needed him when my brother was in Hospital, he let me down a lot with chores he promised to do on several occasions, he was distant with the boys and he forgot my Birthday. I felt like I was on my own dealing with the world, felt like I was the only parent present. I was having mixed feelings of being appreciative for my life, yet somehow feeling a little lost inside.
During that time (he now says) he was distant and crap. He was spending more time on his laptop instead of couple time and was working a lot..

We lost each other through our separate emotions and doings. I missed him as a friend, I missed being able to laugh together and just relax in each others company. I missed him, it felt like he wasn't bothered about us anymore; which I know to be complete rubbish but in that time we'd gone in opposite directions. As well as losing each other we kinda lost our family unit with it.
I fell off the diet wagon for a couple of weeks, Noah wouldn't settle at bedtime (I think it was more teething being the issue, but was another stress on top) and Freddie, weirdly was the only one being himself. He asked to play as often as he did and although still picky with his food, had been a lot better with trying new things. He was the one that made me reevaluate everything around me.
He made me realised that the way we were going was not be a going to end well. That we were that close to Chris & I going on a break. I  was potentially losing my world as I knew it.

My world that consists of Mummy, Daddy, Freddie and baby Noah - In Freddie's words. (Gotta love the hierarchy haha!)

The only way we were going to change was if I did something about it, because it is my world and I love it. Deep down it's all I've wanted and I love it with everything I have. I love my Husband (even when he's a complete ass) and my boys, there's no words to explain. All together my heart just shines.
It broke me a little to think that it could be over in a blink of an eye.
I spoke to Chris, told him everything and gave him the ultimatum - he's either in the game with me or not, them things have to change and well, I can't live in a less than happy world with my loves.

The next day, the weather was lovely outside and I just made an instant plan to have a picnic outside. Blanket, leftover plates and cups from the Peter Rabbit party and some homemade chips and fishcakes with peas. Not a single penny spent, yet it was the loveliest lunch we've had in a while. It was nice to be outside, chatting and seeing the boys play with the ball and y'know I felt such a lift from my shoulders - this was how its supposed to be. This was a moment I wanted to remember and enjoy.

So yes I appreciate life, I appreciate what I have and the people in it, I appreciate my littles showing me the right way.
I think sometimes that it's easy to blog about the happy things rather than the bad. No one wants to admit that their relationship is less than perfect and whilst usually it's pretty good, there's just them times behind the scenes it isn't so good. I want my boys to read this blog in the future and realise that yes we had so many lovely times, but  it wasn't always perfect.
I want them to know that we were real and fought the hardest for every moment. That they highlight everything.

No comments:

Post a Comment