Dear Diary, Post 7.

Since Noah has been born, I have gotten very used to having to juggle life with two little ones. I'm used to one asking for food whilst the other is screaming the house down, I'm used to trying to settle one down to sleep whilst the other wants to play the loudest game they can think of. I'm used to being on my toes and having to deal with immediate issues promptly - hence why my Ironing pile is always massive. My list is always as long as my arm, and my house is never really in the state that I want it to be (it's getting better now with routine). There's always something that needs doing and there's always someone who wants my attention.
I'm used to this. It has become my life and I love it for the most part because I'm barely alone. I don't really enjoy alone time *that* much unless I have something planned. Unless there's something I really want to do, I'd rather have company. Okay so there's alone and alone.
If I'm physically alone, I'm glued to my phone with Facebook Chat, Kik and I'm usually blogging too (a bit like, right now). Don't get me wrong, time alone can be so refreshing, but I find after about half an hour, I'm looking for someone to talk to.
I think most of this is due to living in a big house in my younger years. There were always someone about, there was always some argument or conversation.. But in my house currently, in this moment in time, I'm alone. Physically alone, as my boys have gone to their Nanny's and Chris is working.
I'm always excited at the thought of having some 'me' time, but I get so I miss my boys so much. I miss the cuddles and funny little speeches/jokes/quotes/sayings. I miss them chuntering on, fighting over what 'needs' to be on telly, moaning about what's on offer for tea.
They drive me up the wall in the middle of doing all these things most of the time. I get annoyed and can't wait for some peace and quiet. So when it comes to a night like tonight, when I. can. do. whatever. I. like. it's a little too weird. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to place myself, or what to get on with. It's like I have way too much freedom and I can't handle it (not in the over dramatic way, btw). I'm too used to having one on my hip and one tugging on my hand. I'm too used to trying to cram 6 jobs in a space of 5 minutes. I'm too used to noise, spillages, 'I wants', 'where's this?'.

But tonight, I don't have that. for the first time in a very long time, the house is tidy and I can just do whatever. I can watch as many films as I like. I can stay up way past my bedtime (mummy's have bedtimes!) and I can eat whatever I like, when I like, because I have no-one trying to 'taste' a bit of what's on my plate. I have no 'where's my tea?' and certainly no cold food or 'I don't want a bath/go to sleep'. I have no bottles to feed or 'Can you please settle?' prayers to say.
I miss them so much. But I know they're back in the morning, and I'll be able to chat to them about what they've been doing. I'll be able to give them cuddles and we'll go back to our everyday routine.
I'm lucky I guess that I have someone who is willing to have the kids overnight and as it's the first time since Freddie has started full time at Nursery, that he's been away more than 3 hours of my day. I get used to having them all to myself. Listening to his mad ideas of becoming a ninja so he can kill off all the spiders in the house or how Noah can't talk because he has no face - yeah you make sense of that! I get used to changing bums and chasing bare ones to the toilet, I get used to kissing a pair of little hamster cheeks. I get used to being called Mummy and know that even when I feel awful, about anything, when I feel emotional or not good enough, that I'll always have my boys. All three of them.

P.S I did watch a film, 'The Words' - such a beautiful film. I watched it on Netflix and its the most beautiful film I've ever seen. I loved every second of it and it fitted perfectly with my mood. I urge you to watch it :)
I also went up to bed to read, I miss not having the time to read so making the most of this evening.
P.P.S I promise I didn't cry whilst writing this. Nope, not. one. bit.