Dear Diary, Post 4

Hi Everyone :)

You will never know how many times I have tried to make a start on this post and failed. Noah is currently going through a phase of wanting to be held ALL THE TIME. Right now I am holding him in one arm and typing with the other. I know they say breech babies are clingy but I wasn't quite expecting it to this level.. Its almost like he has separation anxiety if he wakes and you're not there! Bless him, I do adore the bones off him but it doesn't help when I have housework to do.
I know I shouldn't think of the housework whilst there's so many memories to be made..  but I have to admit that I have chilled out a LOT regarding it but there's that niggle in the back of my mind (probably because I'm constantly surrounded by it).

Last week I had a bit of a hard time emotionally, trying to balance my workload. I mentioned in my "When One Becomes Two" post that its fairly straightforward having two kids.. All it takes is being organised. I still stand by that, but I'm realising that whilst its a valid point, it only really works when you have the energy to be 'one step ahead'. Which I had a hard time mustering up. I had to admit I was struggling as I was knackered (4 hours sleep a night for a fortnight) and I was just irritable, therefore stressed and I felt ever so ill on top of that. I guess everything boiled over as I felt I was left doing it all on my own and the demands of trying to be a great mum, was too much.
I had a couple of days where I just burst into tears over the slightest of thing, I felt annoyed everytime Noah started crying.. Freddie was being argumentative (testing 3 year old phase). I felt like I wanted to crawl back to bed and cry, hoping someone would just make everything easier!
 I feel much better now. Looking back I think I had a late bouts of the baby blues. I'm just glad that I'm getting better at the whole juggling thing.. I suppose it was very overwhelming to be left in the deep end alone dealing with everything. But now, I'm learning what's important and what can wait. Baby being bathed, changed and fed comes before the hoovering and Freddie's toys being strewn around the house, really isn't THAT much of a big deal!
I'm currently working hard fitting in my workouts now too, but I've decided to only do it when Chris is about so that if Noah starts crying he can deal with him whilst I finish off what I started (it's kinda annoying to have to pause mid-sweat!). But they make me feel so good. I think a massive part of why I kept feeling miserable was because of the way I looked. I wasn't happy with my reflection in the mirror. I felt massive. I was the biggest I've ever been and whilst yeah it felt amazing to have a smaller tummy after baby's popped out, I still wasn't a pretty sight. But at the end of the day, I can sit and feel sorry for myself and feel majorly insecure over every woman around (I know Chris would never do anything like that, but when you hate yourself, it's easy to think about it) or to actually do something about it. And I'm doing something about it and I am noticing the difference, my mood and enthusiasm has changed so much over the last month. It's only me that I have to thank! *yay*
I've also noticed the difference in how the boys perceive me. Freddie is much more chilled and laughs with me more now, he rarely has a tantrum or argues with me as I'm better with coping with it. Noah always smiles at me when I pick him up rather than squirming around looking like "What's up Mum?" and I've got to the stage where I enjoy sitting with the boys having a chat instead of spending my time stressing about everything!

I'm finally learning what this quote is all about..

So yeah, my house isn't as well organised or tidy as it once was, but the tension and bother has disappeared. I'm getting so I do a little bit of cleaning in the day when the boys are napping or when Chris comes back home from work, where he can spend some time with the boys whilst I do a couple of Chores.. It doesn't annoy me getting interrupted mid-job like it used to, because quite frankly having two kids is a really busy job! Most things can wait, but my boys definitely can't and to be honest they're only going to be this small for such a short time. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to clean the house top to bottom when they've left.. (but then hopefully I'll have grandchildren coming over to mess the place!)

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