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Sleep? What's that?

I am so exhausted.

When you're pregnant, you talk about the arrival your baby. Talk at length about all the things you're excited about, the nursery, the clothes.. but you always forget to think or mention the long days and the late nights.. Or at least I did.
 I maybe gave it a fleeting thought but the idea of meeting and having cuddles with my new bundle topped everything. I was so desperate to have him in my life for real, after waiting so long to get him here.
I feel so lucky to have Noah and for him to be healthy, happy and that Freddie has bonded so easily with him! Its like a dream come true..
But I really miss my sleep! I miss being able to get in bed and sleep through without distraction or waking suddenly and having to check on Noah because I haven't heard him cry in a while. Yes, I really do that. My worse fear would be for something to happen to him whilst I'm sleeping and that I wouldn't hear him because my hearing aids were out. I know it seems a little irrational because Chris is in the room too.. But its a fear no doubt. Waking up bewildered in a dark room trying to scramble quickly through your thoroughly knackered brain, to try and think of when he last woke or was fed. It does have quite a large impact on you physically and emotionally in that moment.
I usually end up waking a very cranky Husband to find that he fed him an hour ago and I slept through it. (oops!)
I guess it really takes it out of you when you're getting on as normal in the day (it seems so much more demanding when there's a 3 year old tagging on too!) yet at night you're lucky if you get 5 hours sleep. Doesn't really help that I'm feeling ill still. I've had this cold for 3 weeks on this coming Saturday and its annoying the hell out of me, especially as I know that its probably due to the lack of rest (so that my body and immune system can try and fix me up) that's holding me back. I find it odd in myself that I've not become snappy or irritable due to being tired, I seem to cope well with the night feeds.. Even after two hours sleep I somehow seem to feel awake! (guessing my body has fallen into a routine!)

I have to say that Noah is usually really great for the night feeds. He can be slow about drinking his milk when hes sleepy but for a baby that's 4 weeks old, he's amazing. But the statement of "your first baby is your practice baby" is so true, despite sounding like evil quote of the millenium! We had a much harder time with Freddie, he suffered with really bad colic and was up more often (sometimes even just being wide awake at 3am!) so it baffles me as to why I never thought of this whilst I was pregnant with #2. The truth is that I was far too broody and excited to care!

I've found waking Noah up in the evening for a while really helps. This is obviously a lot easier said than done but if it can happen it makes a world of difference of how the night shift goes..
I explained the majority of this to my friend when we were talking about the night feeds (our babies are 3 weeks apart! Eep!) and this led to her asking "How do you cope?"
This question kinda threw me as I never for a moment really thought about the impact, that all of all of these actions are having on me. Yeah, I've said occasionally that I'm tired, but I never really stopped. I guess that's the truth in how its happened. I've been so busy balancing it all. That lead to the thought of 'well if I didn't keep on as normal, what the hell would happen, who would do all this for them?'. She responded by saying I was Supermum.. As flattering as that is, I only do what all us mummy's do :)
My boys are my world and I find it important to me to do my best in all sense of motherhood, because I know that I'd never forgive myself if I knew I hadn't done my utmost for them both. I want to keep things normal for Freddie, I want to give him stability, routine and everything else that he's always had.
I cope because I want to give my sons the best that I can offer :) (even if it feels like bed is constantly calling!)

Its really nice that Freddie and Noah have gone to my mums tonight so that we can get some sleep. It's so weird having such an empty and quiet house.. Not having to think of the next feed or what Freddie's going to wear tomorrow. Its nice to not have to think so much. Its nice to be able to sit on the sofa and think about doing nothing until the morning. (Even if it does make me feel sleepy) I'm looking forward to having a lie-in and being able to apply a face mask without being disturbed.. And being able to enjoy it!

Would I trade what I have for more sleep? I damn well wouldn't!

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